“Wir mussten unsere Grenzen beschützen, aber wir haben keine Mauer gebaut. Wir haben einen ganzen Berg gebaut – er heißt Arlberg … und Tirol hat dafür bezahlt”, so macht der Sprecher Trump das Ländle schmackhaft.
Vorarlberg könnte Trump so richtig gefallen, schließlich lieben auch wir unser Militär (oder zumindest die Militär-Musik), haben eine Pipeline und statt dem Weißen gibt es in Vorarlberg das Rote Haus. Doch ganz ungefährlich ist das Ländle für Trump nicht, denn wir haben Reinhard Haller und Harald Kloser.
Hier der ganze Text von “Vorarlberg Second” im Wortlaut:
Dear Mr. President,
This is a message from the government of Vorarlberg. The most awesome country in Europe. Don’t believe anything else, it’s fake news. For example that guy, Hubert Gorbach, said the world in Vorarlberg is too small. Total lie. We may belong to Austria, but according to alternative facts we are the biggest country in Europe. Period.
And we are so much better than the rest of Austria. It’s ridiculous. In fact, all the other Austrians tried to come to Vorarlberg as illegal immigrants. So we needed to protect our border. But we didn’t just built a wall. We built an entire mountain. We call it the Arlberg. It’s so huge, it’s impressive. And we made Tirol pay for it! It’s true.
But we are also the best at building walls. Just ask our greatest politician. His name is Markus Wallner. WALLner. Fantastic guy. You’ll love him.
Vorarlberg and America are so similar. It’s amazing. We even built a place called New America. It’s the best America in Europe. But beware, there’s also New Mexico right next to it. Terrible place. It’s a disaster. We should totally build a wall.
You have the White House, we have the Red House. It’s the biggest, nicest and most important house in Europe. So true. You should come and visit it, it’s so beautiful.
Donald, you’ll love our country. Vorarlberg is like Texas. It’s the wild west of Austria. You have Dallas, we also have Dalaas. That’s where all our great Cowboys come from. They’re the best Cowboys in all of Europe. And they have the nicest Cowboy hats. Just look at those hats. Wonderful.
Vorarlbergs people are also the toughest people in the world. Their balls are so hard, we even have town called Hard. And another one called Egg. Absolutely brilliant.
Like you guys in the USA, we love our military. Last year, the government of Austria wanted to cut down our military music. So sad. Total disgrace. But we stood up against it. And we made our military great again! Well, at least the music.
Oh, and we heard you like oil. That’s great, because we have the best pipeline in the entire universe. Seriously. If you want, we could make our oil pour directly out of your water tap. Really, it’s fantastic.
You see, Vorarlberg and the USA should be great friends. But Donald, be careful. Do not provoke us. Not only is our military great. We also have the best doctor in the world. Reinhard Haller. He knows every psychopath and sociopath. He will have you figured out in a heartbeat. And we have Harald Kloser. He’s a dangerous man. So dangerous. He already destroyed the world in 2012. Then he brought the White House down in 2013. And he could do it again the day after tomorrow.
Mr. President, we totally get that it’s gonna be “America First”. But let’s just say “Vorarlberg second”, okay?